The Hurt Locker

This is a good movie. I’d say possibly a favorite to win best picture. I was rooting for it until James Cameron said that if he didn’t win best picture for Avatar, then he’d want The Hurt Locker to win (because it was directed by his ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow). But if any other movie won best picture over Avatar, he’d be pissed.

So now I want any other picture to win best picture over Avatar. Because James Cameron is an ass. If you need evidence as to why, take a looky at his Golden Globe acceptance speech (his speech starts at the 1:15 mark — notice how few people applaud. Why? Because they’re smart and have class).

“This is the best job in the world, it really is, and I just want you to give it up for yourselves.” Jack. Ass.

I will grant him that it’s the best job. You get paid shit loads of money to entertain. But Jim, Jim… unemployment is over 10% — even higher in the freaking county you live in. There are two wars going on. A whole shitload of people don’t have health insurance. People are losing their homes. 200,000 people just died in Haiti. So show some fucking humility. My wife is a teacher, so I’m gonna go out on a limb to say what she does is a whole lot more important than what you do.

So on Oscar night, I’m rooting for Inglourious Basterds or District 9. And for James Cameron to trip over Quentin Tarantino’s outstretched leg and lose an eye when he spears his head on Lady Gaga’s outfit. That would be ironic because you need both eyes to enjoy 3-D. So there.

Anyway, on to The Hurt Locker. Good movie. The writer was an embedded journalist in Iraq, and saw all this stuff first hand, so it’s safe to say what you see is an authentic representation of this war. And the commentary portraying the issue of how some of these soldiers come back home and are lost because of loss of purpose, gratitude and adrenaline. I get it. And the character development of James, Sanborn and Edridge is well done. But it was the ending where the movie lost me.

James goes home to his wife and son. Has no sense of purpose. Only loves one thing — being a hero by diffusing bombs. He feels empty. So he chooses to go back to Iraq — even though he’s been honorably discharged. Okay… fair enough. I get it. But there is one little problem. HIS WIFE IS EVANGELINE LILLY! As in… her:

Seriously, one of the most naturally beautiful women I’ve ever seen (that includes you Anna Faris of the last review). So, James has two choices — go back to Iraq for a year and risk getting his dick blown off by an IED… or stay home in his boring, mundane life and risk getting his dick blown by Evangeline Lilly. Mind still not made up? Let’s do a little visual comparison.

I rest my case your honor (BTW (that’s “by the way” for you abbreviationally challenged) – there are a lot more gruesome pictures on the aftermath of IED explosions on-line — I’m just trying to use a little bit of tact and decorum).

Here’s the thing, being married with kids can be just as dangerous as defusing improvised explosive devices in a war torn hellhole. For instance, you could accidentally wash your wife’s dry cleaning in the washer on hot, the dry it on the highest setting in the dryer. You could not have a job for six months, then get caught playing Madden 10 when you should be looking for a job. And at any moment when your kids are between the ages of 2-5, you’ll be convinced that they are out to kill you — especially when you tell them they can’t have a 3rd package of Crushers (not that I would know about any of this first hand… not me… never did any of that…).

With that in mind, I have some suggestions for James when he’s jonesing for adrenaline:

The obvious

Skydiving.
Become an MMA fighter.
Drag racing.

The less obvious

Sneak in while your wife (Evangeline Lilly) takes a shower.
Watch your wife (Evangeline Lilly) make dinner.
Sit perfectly still and think about how your wife is EVANGELINE LILY!

That’s why I didn’t buy the end. He didn’t even try. They showed a couple of scenes where he was cutting carrots, buying cereal, and cleaning out the gutter. Yeah, I’m sure that’s all he’s gonna do. Here’s the thing… there was plenty of down time in Iraq, too. And there was no Evangeline Lilly.

The Hurt Locker was a good movie. But James is a dope, and I can only imagine what happened right before his shipped back to Iraq. Jame’s wife (played by Evangeline Lilly): “You want to go back to Iraq, James? Here’s what I have to say to that.”

See, look how freaking cute she is even when giving the finger!!!

If you can get past the little part about James leaving an uber hottie at the end of the movie, then The Hurt Locker is definitely worth a watch (in my case on Blu-Ray since the only movies I get to see in the theater anymore are animated and rated G. Curse you Alvin and your little Chipmunk brethren). Oh, and Kathryn Bigelow gets points for getting David Morse to act without chewing gum (see his stint on House or role in 16 Blocks if you don’t know what I’m talking about).

I give The Hurt Locker 4 Kate Austen Action figures.